I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
