everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
love makes seman taste better
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
