Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
