pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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