highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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