if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
