pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I touched a dick in church today
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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