it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
vagina is talking i cant
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
