I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Two words: nipple clamps
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