please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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