I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
