im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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