I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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