Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
