note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
