that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
