Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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