Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
