You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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