remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
