I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
