I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
