hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
