I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
