I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
We smell like vodka and hangover
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