I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
