just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My balls are so social today.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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