i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
