Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
