my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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