I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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