nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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