I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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