Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
