why didn't you poke me back
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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