The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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