WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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