Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
