I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
