your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
