Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
