In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
