if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
