Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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