just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
