One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
