There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
