I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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