mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
