Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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