I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
